Son of the Morning
by ShadyFalcon
Summary: Before the end, he was the only person Shinji wanted to see. After the end, he's the last.
1. The Second

Kaworu found the lights overwhelming, but he kept his face relaxed and his mouth set in a small smile. Every question and concerned greeting were met with a "I'm fine, how are you?" or a "I don't believe so, but thank you." Twice now he'd been slapped by angry men, and though he couldn't understand why, he went on smiling and in little time they ended up looking quite sad and left. Only the people in white told him goodbye when they left. The two who slapped him had not.

"How are you, Mr. Nagisa?" the lady in white asked as she entered. She had a face unlike the others, with red lipstick and bright blue eyes. He smiled wider.

"I'm fine, how are you?"

"Good," she answered, as she put the strap around his right arm and pumped until he felt it would burst. It was very unpleasant but he kept smiling because he knew it would stop soon just like the times before. She looked at the little orb of lines carefully before finally releasing the thing's grip on him. He sighed gently.

"Everything still looks normal," she cooed. Her Japanese was not as good as the others but it made her easier to understand for him. He quite liked her. He smiled wider again.

"Are you normal?"

She looked at him strangely, almost like one of the questioners, and his face stilled itself nervously. He wondered if he had said something wrong. But in an instant she laughed, waving her hand.

"Oh… as normal as I can be!" She laughed again before putting away the strap and walking towards the door. "I hear that you might have another visitor coming soon, so be ready, okay? Call me if you need anything."

"Thank you," he said with a nod. She smiled and was out the door.

He was alone again, and though he was used to it he was beginning to not like it. He enjoyed it when somebody was speaking to him, even if they were slapping him and yelling about Seele. Seele. Seele. He blinked rapidly as voices entered his mind, voices sounding ragged and distinguished. Booming, echoing, and they were very important and telling him very important things. He shook his head and they were gone.

For the first time he could remember, his lips curved downward. It felt bad but he did it without thinking. _"A frown."_ He supposed that was what it was called. He would stick with it.

The door opened just as he managed to get the "frown" off of his face, and in walked a woman who had been here before. With one of those men. Her hair was purple and he quite liked it, but her face was angry and he did not like it.

"Mr. Nagisa," she said, not bothering with a greeting. She walked briskly to the foot of his bed. "I'm Commander Katsuragi with the UN. Do you remember me?"

"Yes, I do," he answered.

"The last time we talked it seemed that you didn't quite understand where you were," she said. The words were inoffensive but her voice kept a cross and unflinching tone. Kaworu listened curiously. "Have you become better adjusted now?"

He leaned back against his pillow, thinking about the question. He supposed he would have to say, "I don't think so, but thank you," and he did.

She sighed audibly and shook her head. She pinched the bridge of her nose between two fingers. "You know, Mr. Nagisa, this would go much easier if you cooperated with us. I hear you keep giving people the same answers."

He smiled and shook his head. "I'm afraid I don't understand. I'm doing my best."

She snapped to attention and narrowed her eyes. "Well, _that_ was different."

He sat up straighter in bed, looking at her squarely. "This isn't how I was supposed to wake up. It's all very confusing."

"How were you supposed to wake up? Did you expect to meet Seele?" He sighed, folded his hands, and looked down at them, keeping the same serene smile all the while.

"I'm not sure about Seele. But I think I am the second."

* * *

"Misato, I'm kind of suspicious…"

She laughed it off. "Oh, please. Where do you think I'm taking you? To get a shot? Re_lax_…"

Shinji's eyes wandered away. "It's just… not the first time you've taken me somewhere I didn't want to go."

Misato's face faltered as she looked back at him. He stopped in his tracks behind her. "And I hate hospitals."

"Look, I can't explain because it's top-secret info." Her voice was lowered and she was speaking directly into his ear, hand on his shoulder. "But it's not one of those meetings. Trust me. Totally different."

"Alright." They were off again, Misato leading confidently and Shinji trailing uncertainly. He kept his head down as he walked, though not out of any deference, but because the electronic lights spaced across the hallway ceiling burned an unnatural white. Just the glare of them made him uncomfortable.

The hallway took a sharp curve, and then Misato stopped immediately at the door on their left. Shinji peered at the room number next to the door: 333.

She placed her hand on the door handle, but stopped right before turning it. She looked back at Shinji nervously, and he grew suspicious all over again.

"I…" She bit her lip. "This might be a bit of a shock for you. But I didn't know what to say before you… saw it." She shook her head. "Just please… stay calm. And don't do anything sudden. I'll explain everything in a minute."

She gingerly pushed the door open, and Shinji took a step past her into the room. His eyes fell on the occupant, and a blood-curdling scream rang through the floor.

* * *

His breaths were still coming out unevenly, and they took a strong jolt every time the waves reached his shoes. He wasn't allowed on the beach he wanted to go, so he stood at the edge of the closest one he knew, staring out at the ocean. It meant nothing to most people, just another stretch of red water, but he knew the spot, he was extremely confident in it. He could still see the split in the face, the eyeball bobbing aimlessly out toward them on the shore. He wetted his lips with his tongue but they insisted on staying dry.

"Hey." The voice was flat yet cutting. Only one voice had that quality. He turned his head and sure enough, Asuka strutted towards him.

"Misato said you went crazy." She assumed the position beside him. He crossed his arms to keep his hands from shaking while she placed hers on her hips. "So she sent _me _to take her babysitting shift."

He didn't answer, but he felt more comfortable with her here. His breathing was slowing down. His eyes began to focus more on the waves than the specter of Rei's head.

"If that made you so upset, I don't get why the hell you'd come here," she scoffed.

His face scrunched up. "It felt like… a dream…" The salt breeze swept over them in a sudden gust. "This place feels realer to me than anything else…"

Asuka had no response. He wasn't sure if that meant she felt the same or that the idea made her uncomfortable. Maybe she just had no opinion at all. Either way they stood and stared together for a solid minute, totally silent. A single gull flew overhead and squawked.

"So… was Wonder Boy just as pretty as before?" Asuka chuckled at her apparent attempt to lighten the mood, but Shinji did not think it was funny at all and he turned on a dime to glare at her. Her face went dark.

"What?" She spat the word out, literally. He felt the saliva impact his shirt.

He was silent. Her face was going red. "If Wonder _Girl _had come back instead, I bet you wouldn't have thought it was so freaky. I bet your perv ass would gotten hard right there on the spot."

"Shut up."

"I bet you would taken it out right there and started—!" He recoiled, an arm raised over his face, and his breath came out in a hideous rattle. She stopped herself and her face drained of all its anger.

He walked a little distance away from the shore, rubbing his face and trying once again to calm his breathing. It was worse than before. Tears were stinging his eyes and he furiously pushed them away.

"Hey." The voice was still flat, but much softer than before. She was behind his back. "That was—that was too far. I'm sorry."

"It's OK." His voice was halfway to a sob. "I shouldn't have… it's just…" He pressed his fingers into his eyes, neck craned down. "It's been three years…"

She didn't touch him or even speak further, but she stood and watched while he cried. That was enough, and when it was done he straightened his back out. "…Thank you, Asuka."

"I'll be at home." She walked away down the beach, hair flapping in the wind. He watched her as she left and finally, his breaths returned to an even pace. He timed them with the motion of her hair. He slowly took out his phone and dialed Misato.

* * *

Kaworu smiled as the boy walked in, but it was his weakest smile yet. Quite frankly he had been very confused by his scream two days before. He wondered if he was very angry with him, angrier than the slappers, but today his face seemed pleasant, albeit wet with sweat.

"Hi," he mumbled, "Mr. Nagisa." He took a seat by the foot of the bed, smoothing out his lap once he did. "I'm, um… I'm Shinji Ikari. Do you… know who I am?"

He leaned back and laughed lightly. "Of course I do. Everyone knows you. You seem quite unaware of your own importance."

Shinji's face froze, and Kaworu was thrown off by the expression in his eyes. It was wide, intense, and something like sadness: _"fear." _He was afraid. Of what, he didn't know, but it was gone when the boy turned his head down and rubbed his eyes.

"I… I'm sorry about that." He exhaled heavily. "You remind me of somebody I once knew." He looked back up at Kaworu, his face more stolid aside from a little water in his eyes.

Kaworu shook his head. "The Lilin are just so fascinating. It seems that nothing is going how I thought it would."

Shinji paused and looked back at the purple-haired woman, who stood with her arms folded in the corner. She nodded her head at him, but Kaworu had simply no idea why because he had not asked her any sort of question. The mysteries kept piling up.

"And how did you, ah, think it would go?" Shinji asked.

"Well, I thought I would have reached NERV by now, for one." He tilted his head. "Or is this NERV? I've not been allowed to go anywhere on my own."

Shinji shook his head slowly. "NERV doesn't exist anymore, Mr… N-Nagisa. It… it seems that your last memories are of… of a few years ago." The boy's voice was faltering, and Kaworu thought that his words had an unusual sound to them. It was like a jittering sound transmission.

"Are you OK?"

Shinji stood up from his seat, and his whole body was shaking. Kaworu felt worried about what was happening to him. The purple-haired woman walked forward and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Shinji," she whispered.

"I thought I could do this, I thought I could, but I just… I just have to try later…" He refused to look Kaworu in the eyes. He slipped out of the woman's grasp and stepped past the chair, slinking towards the door.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Nagisa." The Katsuragi woman turned to him, smiling insincerely. "We'll have to come back another time. I'm really sorry for the trouble."

"Wait. Mr. Ikari." Shinji had his hand on the door, but he stopped when Kaworu spoke his name. He turned his head, but not enough to look at him.

"Please come back soon," Kaworu requested. "You're my favorite person I've met so far."

Shinji looked him in the eyes and grimaced. But suddenly, out of nowhere, it transformed into a smile. Kaworu smiled back.


	2. Seen, Unfelt

"Do you hate living, Mr. Ikari?"

Shinji physically jolted in response to the question. Kaworu widened his eyes. He sighed and steadied his body.

"I… no, I don't. Why do you ask that?"

"You do not seem to be at ease," Kaworu said matter-of-factly. "Your body looks tense, and your eyes look sad. And when we first met, you screamed terribly and ran away."

Shinji blinked rapidly, trying to form a good explanation. Nothing was there. More blinking and more nothing. "Well… you can't tell everything about someone just by… uh… looking." Yeah, that worked.

Kaworu laughed gently. "Maybe you're right." He folded his hands in his laps and his smile somehow set in deeper. Shinji had to resist the urge to stare into his face too long, transfixed by its smooth pleasantness. His palms felt clammy.

"Mr. Nagisa," he started, but was interrupted immediately by, "Please. Call me Kaworu."

Shinji shuddered. "…OK. Kaworu." _Ahem_. "Misato said that when you she talked to you, you said something about being—"

"Are you Misato?" Kaworu blurted out in her direction. Misato looked up, startled, from her place in the corner of the room.

"Um, yes!" she squeaked. Kaworu smiled in understanding.

"I thought so." He turned to Shinji. "I'm sorry. Go on."

He took a moment to reorganize his thoughts. "Uh… when Misato talked to you, you said you were… the second."

"Hmm. Well, I think so," he said, with a curious tone tinging his voice. "It seems like the only explanation."

"So…" _How am I supposed to word this… _"Does that mean… there's a first?"

"Well, the people I meet all seem familiar with me, so I must have existed before. And Seele must be able to replace me if anything unexpected were to happen." He chuckled yet again. "I suppose _this_ is something unexpected. But I don't think I will be replaced yet."

"Um… Mr. Nagi—Kaworu… there is no Seele," Shinji said, letting his discomfort shine through. "They've been gone for a long time."

Kaworu seemed mildly surprised by his statement, but hardly bothered if at all. "Really? I suppose it makes sense. If Seele was here, I would never be sitting in a place like this for a week."

"Why do you know so much about Seele if you've never met them?" Shinji asked, with less hesitation than anything he'd said yet.

Kaworu paused. Now, he seemed a little bothered. "…I am not sure." He cocked his head and rubbed his chin, apparently considering this carefully. Shinji stared at the way his finger and thumb twisted in such a precise little coil over the tip of his chin before looking away.

"Maybe I just know," he said softly, "without having to be told." He looked back at Shinji, his face remaining serious. "Do you think that makes sense?"

Shinji looked clueless, he knew he did, as he rattled the question around in his mind. "I don't know. Kind of."

Kaworu nodded and looked down at his hands. This was the first time Shinji had seen him look troubled, now or before. He began to take on something of a different color in Shinji's mind. He saw shades of an individual sitting in bed before him, mixed with that gorgeous suffocating nightmare he knew.

Kaworu looked back up, his eyes regaining a twinkle. "You have asked me a lot of questions, yet I do not know much about you." He smiled. "Other than what I see."

Shinji smiled back reflexively. "I'm not very interesting. I'm just here to… to help." _Help the UN learn something for their files before they get rid of you… I'm the lowest._

"Oh, I doubt that. The Lilin are the most interesting beings in the universe." He leaned in slightly. "I'm confident of that."

Shinji felt his cheeks flush as he got closer. He became more aware of how similar he looked to three years ago: not a day older, not a hair out of place. He wondered if it was the LCL, or if he was destined to always look like this. He wondered if that was why he and Asuka's bodies had barely elongated, puberty passed but its process lingering, aged possibly a year in more than three, trapped in the stasis of 2015. He wondered if Ayanami was here if she would look the same as that moment when she took her hand out of his chest and

He flinched as Misato placed a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry to interrupt, Mr. Nagisa. We have to go. It seems visiting hours are over."

"I see," Kaworu said, now as placid and content as when they walked in. Shinji stood and bowed slightly towards him.

"Thank you for having us… Kaworu."

"Thank you for coming, Shinji."

The name rolled off his tongue the exact same way. Shinji turned and left, not waiting one second for Misato to take the lead.

* * *

Asuka eyed Shinji and Misato alternately as she ate. The apartment had been silent, aside from words of courtesy (How was it? Fine. I'll start dinner. OK. Do you want broccoli? Please.), since they returned. Misato sipped her beer can absently between bites.

"Yebisu's not the same anymore," she cooed, putting the can aside and getting up to retrieve water instead.

"Maybe the people who used to make it are unfounds," she muttered darkly. She could sense Shinji flinching without having to look. The term always had that effect on him. She found it strangely pleasurable.

"Oh, who cares?" Misato sighed, settling down again with a plain clear bottle. "I think I've just outgrown it." She looked longingly at the logo even as she took a gulp of water. "This sure as hell isn't as fun, though."

Shinji was cleaning his plate unusually quickly, practically shoveling noodles into his mouth. Asuka scowled at him. "What, in some kind of rush?"

He coughed as he choked down his bite to answer her. He wiped his mouth. "No… it's just… good." He smiled half-heartedly.

"Ooh, getting a big head now, are you?" Misato cut in teasingly. "Well, I think it's _terrible_! You need to do better next time!"

Shinji laughed, while Asuka rolled her eyes. "Savor your food, idiot! You can cook stir fry, but you can't eat it!"

His face fell a little, but overall he seemed unusually content. His face was mellow, his lips curling upward ever-so-slightly in a resting point like a smile. His eyes were unclouded, even his posture was straighter than normal. And for once, on a school day, he wasn't wearing that ungodly school uniform.

Asuka liked it. But she also hated it. She stabbed her plate.

* * *

Asuka laid down beside him as aggressively as possible. It was like she made it her mission to upset the bed each time she did. Shinji moved to the side to make room.

"You didn't say anything about your meeting," she noted as she adjusted the sheets.

"Oh," he yawned, "I guess I didn't. All we did was ask vague questions… and get vague answers."

"Did you run off for the third time?" she asked sardonically, tilting herself to the side to look at him. He met her eyes with irritation.

"No."

She was on him instantly, his mouth was being attacked, he was being pushed back into the futon. He tried to talk but it was stifled before even a choked syllable could escape his throat. She had him pinned down with her legs and he was trapped underneath her. He felt surprised, happy, uncomfortable, extremely nervous. As always.

She pulled her head back. "Don't talk."

She must have sensed his throat, he guessed, maybe, as once again her tongue was beating his around. He held onto her arms and her biceps tightened as soon as she felt him grip them. The whole thing was like a battle and she had to be the winner. It made him anxious, made the whole thing more taxing, yet it excited him just as much. Every type of stress was flooding him.

His shirt was ruffled as their bodies starting making contact, rocking against each other, she was moving around on top of him and for what he wasn't sure. He pushed back up with his knee and she growled at the back of her throat. Her hand slid down below his chest and "Goddamn you."

She was shaking. Not even an inch separated their faces. Shinji felt his heart jump into his throat.

"All I want to do is one thing and you can't even help me do that." Her breath was so hot and it came out quaking on his face. "Damn you damn you DAMN you godDAMN you I HATE YOU!"

She slammed her fist into his chest. He reached up to catch the next, and she released a sob. Her hair was cascading down on him in the darkness and made a curtain over his face. Only he could see her tears.

* * *

"Well, Nagisa, it seems our investigation is done." The suited man nodded sagely, his folder held with two hands in front of his crotch. "And since you say you're feeling well, I'm sure you'll be released within the hour."

Kaworu nodded. "I have felt well for the last five days."

The man cleared his throat and briefly grasped a hand to his neck. Kaworu watched him in wonder. He was not familiar with this gesture. "Well, that's neither here nor there… anyway." A small yet firm smile formed on his face. "You've been taken on as a ward of the state, so we've secured a place for you to live and an allowance. And we'll leave you some contact info, if you have any problems."

"That seems quite helpful." He paused and looked the man up and down, trying to determine what sort of person he was. He seemed quite stern. The man's eyebrows rose as he examined him.

"But… I still feel confused. Where is NERV? And Seele?"

The other suited man, skinnier and shorter with a wiry box of hair, groaned and put his hand in his face. The one he had been speaking to sighed. "As we've explained several times, those organizations no longer exist. The UN has taken up all functions formerly fulfilled by NERV. That includes responsibility for you."

"I see." He didn't, really, and in fact had decided this man had nothing valuable to tell him. He quite wanted to see the other two again. "Can you tell me where Shinji is?"

The man's jaw slacked in confusion. "I—you mean the boy that was with Katsuragi? No. He's a private citizen. I can't give out his contact information."

Kaworu frowned at this. He was not used to frowning, in fact, he felt sure he had done it just once. He was not even sure why he knew the word frown or why he knew any of these pieces of information, and it only made him frown more deeply. The two men before him were long-forgotten, and they stood awkwardly in front of his hospital bed.

"We'll, uh… we'll leave your packet with the nurse." He coughed, backing away towards the door. "It'll contain everything you need."

"Okay." He didn't look up to face them as they walked out. He studied his folded hands, watched how they intertwined with each other. The beauty of arms, hands, fingers, pieces of the human body. Human. Human. Something he was not.

The room was empty now. He looked up at the door.

"All will be as the Lilin will have it." He got out of bed and went to leave.


	3. Shape in the Water

Shinji did not enjoy his job, necessarily, but he found a great deal of contentment in it. It was a disaster relief center for refugees and "dislocated peoples," and each day he did grunt work that made some facet of their life easier. Packing hygiene kits, sorting food, moving boxes, taking phone calls. The pay was minimal, the hours were short, Asuka had only snide comments about it. But he was content. It was something like fulfillment.

At work, he wore a cap and rarely spoke. He made every effort not to stand out, not to be recognized. A UN agent always watched him. Shinji recognized the one today, standing in the corner on his phone. They'd followed him ever since the shooting. He imagined it was Misato's orders.

Toji grazed him on the arm as he walked by. "Cleanup on aisle 3. We have a loonie," he grunted. Shinji looked away from packing a box to see him cock his head near the entrance. He saw a middle-aged man with a grimy face talking frantically to the front-desk person.

"No no no no see here I've been here I here I've been me me no see here," he babbled as if he was afraid his tongue would disappear. Though they were a good distance away, his voice echoed through the warehouse.

"It's sad," he whispered, his face downcast. Toji shrugged.

"Pitiful," he chimed in. A thick pause followed, pockmarked by the rattling of the man's voice. "Hey, you wanna get something to eat after work?"

"Oh, no," he answered shyly, turning back to his box. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his UN tail leave his corner, towards the babbling man's direction. "I, uh… Asuka's home tonight."

Toji snorted. "She can eat take-out for once in her life, you know."

Shinji frowned, glancing sideways at Toji. He seemed to realize he touched a nerve as he rubbed the back of his neck. "Hey, is it wrong to wanna hang out every now and then? I barely even see Ken anymore…"

"I—I know." Shinji stopped moving his hands as he heard the man yelp frantically. He was being dragged out of the center. He grimaced. "How about tomorrow night? Asuka and Misato are probably, uh, working late."

"It's a plan." He clapped his shoulder as he walked off. "Take it easy!"

Shinji watched him as he walked off. His baggy work pants draped unnaturally over his prosthetic. The man was still screaming outside.

He turned back to the personal care box, its contents disheveled, and refocused. Cold sweat blanketed the back of his neck.

* * *

Shinji stepped out of the apartment. Dinner was tense and Asuka was barely speaking to him since last night. He stepped to the window and leaned against it, watching the rain cascade on the street outside. His breathing was fast and irregular again, and now he tried timing it with the fall of the drops… brisk, smooth… down and down and down and down, in out in out…

"Shinji!" He jumped and looked back to see Misato barreling towards him. She slowed instantly when she saw him looking at her.

"Don't walk off without saying anything," she sighed, folding her arms and looking at him expectantly. He nodded weakly before turning back to the window. The night was increasingly dim, and he could only barely make out the shapes of the drops by the streetlight.

"I know… something happened with you and Asuka." Her voice was tense. She was walking on eggshells, or land mines. "It's not my place, I know, but… I wish you two would stop taking each other for granted." Her voice fell, now barely above a whisper. "Think of what happened last time."

"I don't take Asuka for granted," Shinji insisted, still looking out the window. "I just wanted some… some space."

He could see her shutting her eyes tight and shaking her head in her reflection in the window. "I understand. I just need to make sure that you're OK."

She took a step closer, and Shinji knew it was for a hug. He turned and they embraced, awkwardly, like ex-lovers. _"Maybe we kind of are,"_ but Shinji discarded that thought shamefully.

"I'll leave you alone. Just don't leave the building." She paused and made a face. "Please?"

Shinji took it as a command, despite her attempt to transform it into a request, and nodded. She walked back to the apartment.

He gingerly lifted the lower half of the window: it opened, and he peeked down through it to see the two-story fall to the sidewalk. It was wide enough to fit him. He was certain she had a UN tail watching him.

He thought he could even see them, as his eyes went back to the streetlight… except there was no coat or even an umbrella, and their hair seemed unkempt… they were getting pelted by the rain… and their form was so… slight…

He bolted to the stairs.

* * *

Kaworu was beginning to appreciate the feeling of the rain. Submerged in wetness felt peaceful, even happy. It reminded him of his first memory.

"KAWORU!" The voice was raw, loud, yet gentle. He smiled at the sound of it and looked to see a young man approaching, rushing into the light.

"Shinji." He nodded politely. "I am glad to see you."

"Wh-why are you here?!" He held a hand up above his eyes, maybe to shield them from the rain, but Kaworu thought he already looked wet beyond saving. In this moment, they were just alike.

"I did not like my new dwelling, but I do like rain." He very briefly glanced up at the sky. His eyes narrowed as his smile widened. "So, I left."

"Y-your new…" Shinji shook his head rapidly. Kaworu found the motion violent, and he rose his eyebrows in concern. "You can't stand out here! You have to go back home!"

"I do not want to. I walked all the way here." He leaned up against the light-pole, shoulders relaxed. "Why are _you_ here?"

Shinji's breath caught for a moment. "I… I live here. Right here." He pointed dumbly back at the apartment building. Kaworu took in the sight of it nonchalantly, mostly because it was barely visible through the sheets of rain.

"What a coincidence," he whispered, his lips curled upwards in a catlike smile. "But that does not answer my question. Why are you here with me?"

Shinji's mouth hung just barely open, preparing to deliver an answer once he was ready to give one, but it was left standing on ceremony. Kaworu did not understand the pause, but he decided there was no rush to such a conversation. He waited for him to speak for nearly a minute.

"You… you needed my help." He shut his eyes tight after the words came out. "I mean… y-you _looked_ like you did… maybe… but I guess you actually don't…" He sighed and re-opened his eyes. They looked weak and tired. "I'm sorry. I'm being stupid. And… now I'm drenched…"

Kaworu thought that he had been "drenched" for the whole time they had been talking, and did not understand why he hadn't noticed until now. Shinji Ikari was a continual mystery.

"Are you sure you don't need help to get home?" He took a step backward as he spoke, and Kaworu realized that he was ending the conversation.

"I believe I know the way." Shinji nodded and retreated further, half-turning away. "Wait. Shinji."

He stopped jerkily.

"Are you afraid of other people?"

He thought it a reasonable question, but Shinji looked at him as if he had just accused him of an awful crime, or worse. Kaworu's smile disappeared and his face grew serious.

"No," he answered blankly.

"Man, as a creature, is fundamentally alone. Loneliness seems to crush the Lilin into pieces." Kaworu stared into his eyes. "You are fragile. Like glass. Yet you have not been broken. That earns my empa—"

"I don't want to hear that!" Shinji's voice was sudden and shrill, like an alarm. Kaworu physically flinched, eyes widening.

"Why, why, why?! Who the hell are you?!" Shinji barked, hands clenched into claws. Kaworu had to focus to hear his shouting as the rain grew in intensity. "You… you shouldn't exist! You should be _gone_! Why are you… why are you doing this to me?!"

Unsettled as he felt, the answer popped into Kaworu's mind instantly. "Because I was born to meet you."

Shinji's form went limp, his hands relaxed, his eyes grew overcast. They stared into each other's eyes, and once a grimly-dressed woman holding an umbrella appeared to lead Shinji back to the apartment, Kaworu watched his form retreat into the rain, and he imagined Shinji was looking back. He disappeared through the door, but Kaworu kept his eyes on where he imagined he was moving, up a stairwell, down a hall, into a room, lying in bed. The rain could block his eyes, but not his mind.

"I was born to meet you." He repeated the words to himself, but now they tasted bad on his tongue. "Born. Born. Born." That was the word, the sticking point that ruined the sentence. He knew it was a lie.

He kept his eyes fixed on the wall of the building, seeing a mirage of a supine Shinji. He closed his eyes and saw only him.

"Is it okay for me to be here?"


	4. Next Time Around

The ride wasn't comfortable. Asuka didn't really know why Misato had insisted on her and Shinji accompanying her to work, but she regretted not putting up more resistance to the idea as they sat close together, dead quiet, in a mostly empty train car. The dawn was breaking lazily outside.

Misato broke the silence with, "I'm amazed how fast you've pushed through the ranks, Asuka. Soon you'll be taking my job!"

Asuka shrugged, expressionless. "It's not hard. They'll take anyone they can get."

Misato paused. Asuka glanced at her and saw she was clearly unnerved by the implications of what she'd said.

"…Oh, come on. There's no need to be down on yourself. After this weekend, you'll be a bona fide lieutenant! That's worth some praise!"

Asuka shrugged again, not bothering to respond. She didn't like working for the UN military, especially when there was talk going around of her division being rechristened as "the new NERV" (talk that Misato was suspiciously silent about), but it was better than going back to school. Classes were only a few days a week, and the pool of teachers was almost as bad as the pool of military technicians.

"You do work hard, Asuka," Shinji added meekly. She shot him a sideways look. "…It's a good thing. That's all we're trying to say."

Now she didn't even shrug. She stared at the opposite wall and dreamed of a blue sea.

* * *

"Why don't you come on inside, Shinji?" He looked at her like she had grown a second head. Misato groaned internally, already devising ways to convince him.

"Misato… I have class." He glanced at his cracked watch. "I can't really waste any time…"

"Oh, you'll make it!" She waved her hand casually. "Come on! I want to show you something in the base!"

Shinji looked uneasily up at the building. _"Probably reminds him of the GeoFront," _she thought grimly to herself. While far from that lost cause of a crater, the staid dome design did have a familiar feel.

"Why the hell should he come?" Asuka scoffed, turning around in front of the door to glare at Misato. "What is there for him to see?"

"_Shut up, Asuka…"_

"Listen. Just please do this favor for me. I want you to come with us." Misato clasped his hand. "It'll be quick!"

He frowned but sagged his shoulders in defeat. "…Alright, if it's quick…"

"_It might not be, but oh well." _He followed her to the door, which Asuka had pushed through in a huff, not waiting for them. A pair of guards stood on either side of it, eyes fixed on the long underground hallway they had walked down to reach the base from the subway. Shinji seemed to stiffen in the moment they passed them.

The doors were as cheap as a government building could manage while maintaining a veneer of respectability: giant tinted glass, with slightly rusted push bars and hastily stamped UN insignias on each side. They could see the atrium clearly as they entered, a huge gray hangar broken up only by archways leading further down underground.

"Asuka's in such a rush," Misato groaned, walking briskly towards one of the arches. She heard Shinji shuffling his feet behind her, trying to keep up.

"M-Misato? You wanted to show me something?"

She sighed. "Well… not exactly _show_ you… I just want you to be there while I talk to someone…"

"_He's gonna be upset."_

* * *

Shinji wasn't sure if he was upset or numb. Or worse, outraged. He felt his fingertips shaking, and soon his hands along with them.

"Well? How do you feel about this?" The woman, a UN human development chair named Mitsuishi, looked expectantly at Shinji and Asuka, seated against the wall. Her brief presentation was done, laser pointer clutched in her palm. Shinji stared at the floor, while Asuka's face was full of disgust.

"What's the point?" she snarled.

Mitsuishi giggled uncomfortably. "Weeeell… I believe I just explained that, but…" She cleared her throat. "The purpose of the ceremony is to officially kickstart a period of openness about the War of the Angels. Your presence will show the public that we are serious about ending the sea of rumors and beginning an 'Era of Truth.'" She reinforced her smile and beamed proudly at the end of the summary.

"Now, I know you've had this sprung on you suddenly," Misato cut in, striding up beside Mitsuishi with her hands out. "Saying no is completely fine. But I would ask that you consider it before you make any—"

"_Hell_ no," Asuka spat. The atmosphere in the room was like molten ice. Shinji's arms were shaking now.

"So what are we supposed to do? Live under house arrest from now on?" Asuka rose to her feet, her face growing more manic. "You don't think those cultist weirdos will make a move the second this shit goes public?! You know _damn_ well what we went through before you—"

"Asuka, please!" Misato shouted, rushing up to her. Mitsuishi, pink-faced, had stepped back towards the corner of the room. "We can expunge your names! The decision is all up to you! We were just giving you the choice!"

"You knew I would say no, you stupid bitch!" Shinji flinched at the insult. Misato took a deep breath in, while Asuka lost her momentum. The tiniest bit of fear seeped into her display of rage.

"I-I… take my name out! Take my face out! Take it _all_ out! I'm not involved in this!" She backed up towards the door, looked to each person in the room, and then bolted out. Mitsuishi had fully retreated into the corner.

Misato turned to Shinji. His whole body was shivering. "Shinji… it's OK. You don't have to say anything now."

He felt her hand on his shoulder and his body stilled itself. But it didn't stop how sick to his stomach he felt. He got to his feet, exerting himself to turn his head up and look at her.

"I-I… I'll think about it." Misato seemed surprised at this answer, but she smiled warmly.

"Go to class now. Everything'll be fine. You can make your decision whenever."

She kissed him on the forehead. He moved for the door without another word, mouth dry and chest burning. As soon as he closed it behind him, he could hear a shouting match begin inside.

"I mustn't run away… I mustn't run away…"

He hadn't said it in a year, at least. But he mumbled the mantra under his breath, unceasingly, as he skulked down the hall, clutching his stomach.

* * *

Asuka glared at him as she exited the bathroom. "How long have you been waiting here?"

Shinji paused. "…I just thought you might… wash your face."

"You sure you weren't trying to work up the courage to peek, pervert?" On another day it might have wounded Shinji a little, but he understood it as blowing off steam. Her face softened when he didn't react.

"I was vomiting." Her voice was quiet, but sharp as steel. "Fuck them."

"I don't think we should blame Misato…"

"I don't understand why you're not upset." Her tone of voice was furious but frantic, almost seeking validation for its anger. "This shit will be even worse for you than me."

He shook his head. "I'm just tired. It's like I can't get angry." He paused. "And it's _not_ Misato's fault."

"This your way of saying I should apologize to her?" she hissed, looking him up and down. His face curled into an ugly frown.

"Asuka… I know this is hard for you…"

"To hell with me, it's all about mommy, right?"

He closed his eyes and tried, unsuccessfully, to steady his breathing. "I just wanted to check on you. Honest. It's not… it's not wrong to be mad."

"…I'm tired too." He opened his eyes to see she was staring to the side. Her voice was much smaller than before. "I'm tired of taking secret train rides to this goddamn hole to help make killing machines. I'm tired of not being able to walk in a crowd because I might get stabbed. I'm tired of being stuck with two people who remind me of the worst days of my life. I'm…" Her voice trailed off and she glanced at him. His face showed it; that one stung.

"I'm really tired." Her mouth was a thin line, but her eyes were watery.

Normally when they hugged, Shinji felt at peace. If anything, his rare moments of simple, uncomplicated affection with Asuka were among his happiest memories. But this time he just felt uneasy. He stared off into the distance above her shoulder, wondering when their living situation was going to end: when the incompatibilities, the bad memories, the mood swings, the tension of their relationship would be too much, and inevitably, he would be alone again.

"I'm going to leave early," she whispered, voice muffled.

"OK." He saw him walking at the end of the hall. He was staring at him.

* * *

"I was asked to come here for a test." Kaworu leaned his head back against the wall, smiling easily. "I hope they received the information they wanted."

"What kind of test?" Shinji felt relaxed talking to him. Maybe it was more of a deadened feeling than a calm one, but finally his shoulders stooped instead of tightened as he made idle chat with the boy he had killed.

Kaworu tilted his head. "I'm not sure. They asked me to lie down in a metal tube for twenty minutes. But it must have been important. Otherwise, they would not have called me."

"Maybe they're just checking your health," Shinji offered lamely. Kaworu chuckled.

"That seems unlikely. I believe they just want to know more about me." Kaworu turned his eyes, more solemn than before, onto Shinji's. "Is that what you want, too? To know more about me?"

Shinji stared for a minute before shaking his head. "Not really. I…" He shuffled his feet. "I just wanted to talk to someone."

"So anyone would do?"

Shinji felt a knife in his gut. He winced and shoved himself back to the real world. "…No. You said… you were born to meet me…" He sighed. "So I thought maybe it wouldn't hurt to just… talk. Just talk. And be friendly. It's the least I can do."

"I think that is quite a lot to do," Kaworu said thoughtfully. "Many Lilin have not been friendly to me."

Shinji felt the implications of that sentence. He had been through the wringer of UN questioning not too long ago. "I'm sorry." He considered moving a hand forward onto his, sympathetically, but immediately rejected that idea. It was way too much for him.

Kaworu smiled. "It is not your fault." He placed his hand on Shinji's. Apparently, it was not too much for him.

* * *

Asuka's eyes were fixed on the door for nearly an hour. When Shinji finally stumbled in, her blood was pumping, her eyes were dry.

"Asuka, I—"

"Where were you." She will accept an answer, any answer, with a slap on the wrist, except the worst one that comes to mind.

"It was…" He shut his eyes tight. "I met… Kaworu at the base…"

Asuka's whole body tightened. "What? Not so scared of that freak anymore?"

"Don't talk like that…"

"Talk like what?!" She shot up from her chair and got up in his face. "I tell you I'll be home early, and that means you go cavorting around with your Ken doll. And now you think you can stomp up and tell me what to call it? Huh? HUH?!"

Shinji's face is empty except for pain. "I'm sorry."

"Don't ever apologize to me," she seethed. She whirled around and walked toward her room.

"Asuka, please…" She snapped her hand away the instant he grabbed it. She stared him down, cold and unpitying.

"Maybe I should move out." Her voice was quiet, but based on how wide Shinji's eyes got, it was as if she had stabbed him.

"A-Asuka… no…"

"Misato won't care. I can go far away from Tokyo-3." The more she spoke, the more she was warming up to the idea. Shinji was shaking his head with a grimace, fat tears forming in the corners of his eyes. "Far away from the people that want us dead. And I can start moving on. I can start doing the things _I_ want to do. In a country that isn't the closest thing to hell on earth."

She paused and exhaled sharply. "And you have a new toy to play with."

Shinji was blubbering. "Asuka…"

"We need to change."

She slid inside her room and latched the door shut. She heard Shinji rap on it weakly, breaking out into full-blown sobs. In a rare display of forwardness, he even tried to open it. But it was too late. She laid down in bed and covered her head with a pillow.

* * *

Kaworu had long been irritated by the strange new sensation of hunger, but he still felt no strong inclination to sleep. And so he sat perched next to the window, watching the moon disappear to the crest of the sky. He imagined Shinji cradled up next to it.

They had holed up in his apartment and talked much longer than he anticipated. And the longer they talked, the more things he told him. Kaworu was still not accustomed to some Lilin behavior, but judging by the way Shinji would pause and look around nervously before he shared certain things, he supposed that they were secrets between only them.

"_Even before you showed up, I would still… I would still think about you. Sometimes."_

His mind pored over the vague description of what he had been like in Third Impact. Kaworu wasn't entirely clear on what Third Impact was, nor was he entirely clear on what made Shinji tremble so badly when spoke about it, but apparently he had done something while it happened that had deeply affected him. Maybe it was the first him. Maybe it was a different him.

"It was me," he whispered. He tried forcing himself to remember. Who was Kaworu Nagisa? Who was the person that captured this boy's eye? How could he be as much like him as possible?

And who was Ayanami?

"_And… no one understands it, but… I-I see Ayanami too. And I don't know if it's just me or if it's everyone and I'm just the only one who'll say it but… she watches me. Sometimes I see her at the end of the street. Sometimes in the corner of my room. Once she was outside the window. She's always watching me, and don't tell Asuka please please, but _I like it_. I feel—I feel like maybe, maybe, she's still here. She's not gone, and she's just letting me know that every once in a while."_

Shinji looked into his eyes with such a desperate expression. The next words came out ashamed, yet hopeful.

"_And maybe… maybe she'll come back too, like you did. And maybe we can all—we can all be together."_

"All be together." Kaworu didn't know who all was. But he wanted to be one of them.

His loss of purpose had dissipated: Seele was no longer on his mind. He wanted to stay with Shinji. He wanted to keep knowing his secrets. He wanted to keep being Kaworu Nagisa. And he wanted to be a much better Kaworu Nagisa than the first could ever hope to be.

"This time, Shinji, I'll make you happy…" Kaworu put his cheek against the glass and watched the last sliver of the moon creep out of sight.


	5. He Was Aware That He Was Not a Child

Shinji awoke with a yawn, pushing the dust out of his eyes. Last night wasn't good. But maybe today could be better. Asuka just needed some space, and he just needed some perspective so he could explain himself…

"Where did this come from?!"

Shinji froze right outside his door. _"Oh no."_

"I don't see how that's any of your business."

"Asuka, I swear to god, I can get the stupid pilots' ceremony called off—"

"It's not about that." He could picture her waving her hand as she said it, a smug pout on her face.

"You can't just tell me you want to leave without a reason!"

"It's not like you want me here in the first place! As long as you have _Shin-chan_, I'm just window dressing!"

"That is not true! I'm sorry if you feel like I play favorites, but it's bullshit!"

In the back of his mind, Shinji wasn't sure. His first hug with Misato on that chilly day she stumbled into their camp was almost painfully longer than the one she shared with Asuka.

"And besides, Shinji wasn't the one who threw a vase when that UN therapist just _suggested_ the idea that you live separately from us—!"

"Shut up." Shinji could barely hear the low growl. The pit of his stomach dropped.

"That was different. I was… being stupid. I couldn't see then how that _idiot_ does nothing but hold me back."

"I know you don't mean that, Asuka…"

"You don't know _what_ the hell I mean!"

There was a thick pause. Shinji's hand trembled near the door handle, wondering if now was his moment to walk out.

"And. Besides. He doesn't need me."

_But I do need you._

His mind was screaming it, but he couldn't walk out there. He couldn't run out and say it. His hand, no, his whole body wouldn't move.

"_It's just like that bastard to leave me…! I can't lose now! Not with MAMA watching me!"_

"_Oh god… Shinji, it's… ASUKA! ASUKA!"_

Shinji folded up against the door, eyes burning, ears dead to whatever conversation continued.

* * *

Misato was frightened of him. Or maybe not frightened of him, exactly, but what to say to him. Frightened of ruining things even more if she let one wrong word slip.

"Shinji… are you OK?" She winced as soon as the words came out of her mouth. Stupid. She could only barely see him shuffle when he heard her. He was splayed out so freely on his bed that it struck her as too relaxed.

"I'm sorry, Misato." She had to strain to hear him. "It's… my fault."

"About Asuka?! Don't blame yourself for one minute. She's under a lot of stress…"

"I went to see Kaworu last night."

Time seemed to stop for a second. Misato felt as if her blood had undergone a swift and painful metamorphosis into venom.

"Why?" Her lips were stretched white. She was glad he wasn't looking at her.

"He… he needs somebody. No one's going to talk to someone like him… the UN won't help. He'll be thrown away… like… like Aya…!"

He swallowed the end of the name, refusing to speak it. A burst of pity interrupted Misato's anger at that hideous manipulative red-eyed little freak. She couldn't get mad now. It would only make him withdraw.

"Shinji. Are you sure you weren't going to see him because you feel like _you_ need him?"

He wasn't talking, but she could hear the struggle in his voice. He breathed heavy, actively fighting back tears. She took a hesitant step into the room and the shadow inside consumed her foot as she did.

"I don't know what… Kaworu… was like before, Shinji… but the Kaworu you're talking to now isn't—"

"I _know _that," he choked, with enough bite that she stopped creeping inside the room. "I _know_ it's not him… I know Asuka hates me and I know you're going to tell me to forget about him…"

He turned on his side so she couldn't see his face. She reflexively leaned to try and do so anyway.

"Is it wrong to need somebody? Is it wrong to have somebody that just understands and listens and… accepts? Is it wrong that there are things I can't tell you and Asuka, but I can tell him? Because he just. _Listens_?" He shuddered into his sheets. "Is it wrong?"

Misato felt the urge to leave the room, close the door on him, let him weep out his problems until morning. She hated seeing him like this and she hated hearing that he would tell an enemy secrets that he wouldn't tell her. Now she was barely, slightly, angry.

But she couldn't run away. Not anymore. She took the slightest step forward and she was near the bed now.

"Shinji. I'll listen. Suzuhara or Aida will listen. Even Asuka will listen." She swallowed hard. "But… you have to accept that, sometimes, it's a two-way conversation. I think you want to talk to that boy as… well, almost like a security blanket. Doesn't question you. Doesn't challenge you. And maybe that's what Asuka doesn't like. She feels like she's being sidelined for someone who's… well. Barely human."

Shinji was silent. If he objected to her words, he wasn't saying it. He just stared intensely at the wall to the right.

She did the unthinkable, considering the last time she was in this situation. She placed a hand on his arm. He flinched and went stiff at the gesture: but he didn't draw back. Misato steeled herself.

"You're important to me," she whispered. "You can always talk to me. Just talk to me."

He didn't look at her. Eyes set on the wall, he wet his lips and began to talk.

* * *

Kaworu frowned as the phone recited the timid, polite voicemail message for the third straight time. He was certain he had saved the correct number. Perhaps Shinji was asleep. Or busy.

"_Nonsense,"_ he determined. _"He would not sleep so late. And his schedule is free on Saturdays."_

Kaworu decided it was simply a bad call. Sometimes the telephones must not quite get the message across. He knew that this was the case. Shinji would answer him immediately if it was not. He knew.

"_Hmph, I was right!" _he thought as the ringing cut off before the second refrain could finish.

"What." It was the most sharp and hostile voice he had heard yet. Worse than the shouting UN agents. And though it was not Shinji, he realized that instantly, it sounded familiar.

"Hello. Is Shinji there?"

"Shinji does not want to talk right now." She spoke in a hushed voice, yet it was dripping with anger. He did not understand. Was she upset with him? With Shinji? "If you would like to tell him something, leave the message with me."

"Are you Katsuragi?"

The woman's breath spiked and it impacted on her receiver like an explosion. Kaworu flinched in surprise.

"That's not relevant. But yes." A pause. "What do you want to tell him."

"I would like to speak with him when he is feeling well." Kaworu stopped to consider the situation. If he was _not_ feeling well… "Maybe it would be better if I come to him?"

"No." It was an instant answer. In fact, it barely overlapped with the end of his question. "Shinji will call you when he's ready."

She hung up, leaving nothing but a dull tone sounding in Kaworu's ear. He frowned. He did not like the way that call had gone at all. He did not like that woman very much, either. Why did she have Shinji's phone?

"_What if the UN is holding him? Like I was held?"_ It was a scary thought. For the first time in his waking days, Kaworu felt a terrifying sensation: paranoia. He even began to feel the faintest beads of sweat forming under his arms, on the back of his neck. Was he ill? Was this the same illness that kept Shinji from speaking with him? Why why why did that woman pick up the phone?

Pure instinct drove him to put on some slacks and walk out the door. He was not sure how he had gotten to him the last two times, but he would reach him one way or another. He would find Shinji.

* * *

The pair of women standing next to Asuka chattered in chirping voices like bubblegum, and it was hard work to restrain the instinct to kick them. Stomp them into the floor, scream at them for daring to act happy. It was an instinct she was repressing a lot lately, more and more, even with the few people she thought she liked.

"This will go _so_ well with my new heels," the shorter one sighed, holding up a black dress as her companion nodded enthusiastically. Asuka stalked away. What she was looking for was not here.

"_Fashion, fashion. _Fashion_. The sea is red and everyone's parents are missing and they care about _fashion_."_

It was a thought filled with self-loathing. She'd come looking for a dress herself, one she'd lost somewhere in the impact. Why, she didn't know. She didn't even want to consider the reasons; any glimpses of them that occurred just made her angrier. Maybe it was because she'd stepped into Japan with it on, and she wanted to step back into Germany wearing it too, a sort of mirror image…

"_Idiot."_

She was done browsing. She left the store with clenched fists, walking tightly, hyper-aware of the suited men following not-so-discretely behind her. She was not supposed to be out like this.

Section-2 agents. They were always close by. Ever since the shooting incident, when it became apparent that, yes, sects of people still believed that she and Shinji were demons. Or, if the group wasn't religious, they just wanted some kind of holistic vengeance on the people responsible for all of this. That much, really, was true. And maybe the demon shit was, too. She was used to being called a devil.

She turned the corner and heard their steel-toed boots clacking on the sidewalk behind her. She clenched her teeth.

"'Oh, give her her space,'" she said mockingly, letting her voice carry to them over her shoulder. "Is that why you haven't stopped me yet? Is that why you just stalk me and haven't shoved me into a car?"

She hoped they were shuffling and pink in the faces. People around her gave her irritated glances as they passed.

"Am I right? Why don't you tell me ex_act_ly what that _bitch_ told you to do, you—!"

She wheeled around only to come face-to-face with Kaworu Nagisa. He stood stock-still with the tiniest smile on his face.

"Hello. Have we met?"

* * *

_Sorry for the long stretch between chapters. I'm a college student so school got in the way a bit. With the semester over I hope to have this story finished fairly soon. Thanks to anyone still reading :)_


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